Ed-vise: Stupid Shit

A boy bought a Kayak GOOD MORNING!!! to you all! Yup, Number One Son bought a Kayak. Does he know what to do with one? Don’t know. Doubt it. But he can now say “I own a Kayak.” How many of us can say THAT?

What Would You Do Wednesday Ed-vise today. Cause it’s WEDNESDAY! And I do love WEDNESDAYS!

Funny story.

Over the weekend I was doing yard stuff. You know. The weekly act whereby men, get to act like they have a farm and are performing their harvest activity. The abundant harvest of lawn grass. Breaking a sweat and on and on and on. Our attempt at “MACHO!”


I was outside doing my thing. Spousal Support Unit was doing her thing. Newbie was doing what rookie kids do at their age: figuring out ways to get their parents to say stupid shit.

And she succeeded.

As I was doing my thing, I hear her scream. Mind you, her screams, if you are in the same room, hurt. Ever since she was new to the team, her screams will make your eyes water. Maybe even “split” the Hungover Skull. They are LOUD!

So, she screams.

When it comes to the children AFTER the first one, the initial scream of said child, doesn’t really garner a response. It’s something about the tone or whatever. It just doesn’t get parents to move. We usually think the kid is just excited or whatever. First Scream: NO BIG DEAL.

Second scream, followed closely by third and fourth, THAT gets parents moving. Multiple screams indicate a problem. Possible injury. If the scream is getting further away, it means the child is moving which could mean an abduction. Then you REALLY need to move.

Newbie was standing in the kitchen screaming. She would not stop which caused both Spousal Support Unit and myself to drop what we are doing, IMMEDIATELY, and go to Newbie.

She was frantic. In tears, screaming, and pointing at (drum roll please…): A BUG.

A bug.

A June Bug.

Her trap was sprung! I had been baited into it by a June Bug. The emotion and adrenaline caused my brain to shut down almost all logical reasoning. All forms of self discipline and all forms of verbal articulation. Which is what happens when you are PISSED and RELIEVED at the same time. Too many body chemicals and hormones pushing through the body cancelling each other out. Which caused me to do what Newbie was plotting: SAY STUPID SHIT!

In my state of mind I said “If you can’t deal with these bugs you will NEVER go OUTSIDE again!”

That, my friends, is a STUPID SHIT statement.

What Would You have said? Similar facts for you. Being pissed and relieved at the same time.

I could have explained to Newbie that such screams weren’t acceptable unless you are in serious trouble. Nope. Too much logic for a 6 year old.

I could have thanked her for pointing out the “intruder” in the house, and that there are better ways of expressing such things. Nope. I’m not a child psychologist.

I could have simply beat her. Nope. That just wasn’t going to happen.

Instead I opted for a threat of punishment similar to what Rapunzel incurred. The punishment of keeping her locked up in the house until whatever time she overcame her fear of bugs.

So, in keeping score, Newbie – 1; Dad – 0. Well played Newbie.

I’m just saying

That’s it for today. Be the person a stranger will do CPR on. Check in on each other and remember if you are asked how many margaritas you plan to drink, tell them…IT’S NACHO BUSINESS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA…Get it?


Published by edhlaw

Son, husband, father, uncle, nephew, cousin

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